How To Survive the First Five Years of Marriage
I came across a post that a friend shared recently that resonated a lot with me. I’m not a marital expert by any means but I’d like to cut through all the noise about how relationships SHOULD be like through the media and other people's seemingly “perfect” relationships, and share my own truth. While it’s true that it takes a good 3-4 years to really get to know someone, does it really mean that a marriage is doomed if couples get married a lot earlier? (Reference to post below)
Fun fact: my husband and I got married after 7 months of dating. I then packed up my entire life into my brand new Corolla (at the time), moved to rural Manitoba, had a kid, went through my fair share of mental health issues (depression, anxiety, etc), uprooted a second time and had another kid... and I can finally say that my spouse and I are finally at a happy equilibrium with our marriage on top of co-parenting two energetic toddlers.
Here’s my take on how to survive the first five years of marriage and beyond*:
*If your partner abuses you, belittles you, lays a hand on you, or you suspect that he’s a narcissist, RUN! For others not in abusive relationships, keep reading.
1. Accept the fact that people don’t change (easily). Don’t marry someone for how you want or expect them to be, instead marry them for who they actually are. People don’t change who they are at their core unless they have a very good reason to, so it’ll just make everyone and a yourself happier if you simply accept them for who they are, flaws and all.
2. Be your own best friend. For those of you who ended up marrying your best friend, I give you props for finding that unicorn . For the rest of the population, know that unicorns are ULTRA RARE, like maybe as rare as that 1st edition holographic Charizard card with MISPRINT. In other words, it’s pretty freaking rare. So change that expectation of how people should be marrying their best friend. If my cup of self love is only half full, relying on my partner to fill the rest of the cup is a recipe for disaster in the long run. (More on that below)
3. Don’t cheat. Sounds simple enough... but what if your partner’s emotional capacity is at or near zero when you need them most, they don’t shower you with lavish gifts like how your friend’s partner does for special occasions, or they have zero empathy due to being in the military and all? (Speaking from personal experience you ask? ) Firstly, realize that now is not the time to start looking for those “missing” requirements from another potential partner or sugar daddy/mama. This is where your friends, therapist, dog, or yourself comes in. I highly recommend the book The Five Love Languages to debunk this mysterious thing called love. Because sometimes, your partner may low key be showing their love by taking out the garbage every week, bringing home your favourite snack from a grocery run, or giving you their credit card to buy yourself the gift that you actually need!
4. Know that dramas are traumas; I. Do. Not. Watch. KDramas. I. Do. Not. Watch. KDramas. One more time: I. Do. Not. Watch. KDramas. I’m sure they’re great since a lot of people watch them, but I personally get f*cked in the head for a good two weeks after watching them. Where do you think these crazy storylines come from? (Correct answer: an aggregate of people’s traumas on hard drugs). Like, does a person need to risk their life saving your clumsy ass from a burning building, or does a guy need to beat out otherguywithperfectskinandsixpack in a crazy love triangle to prove his love to you? These dramas can be good for some of us in the sense that it takes us away from reality but at the same time it subconsciously makes us compare our real life relationships to these romances whether we like it or not. Life can be pretty damn good if we’re not making comparisons
5. Reduce social media usage. For those of us who heavily rely on social media for business, keep going! (But be mindful of what’s actually business vs. personal use because these lines can easily be blurred). The real issue comes when there’s mindless scrolling involved and we start to compare our love lives with those of the social media influencers, or that ex we’ve been keeping tabs on. Our minds take in so much information that we subconsciously start making these deadly relationship-undermining comparisons without knowing.
6. Last one: get rid of shame and toxicity. Uprooting my life was the toughest yet most rewarding thing I’ve ever done for myself. It’s wasn’t until I removed myself from everything that has made me comfortable that I realized I actually had to be alone with my thoughts. (I mean why face myself when I can focus on judging others instead? ) 4.5 years later and with the help of an amazing therapist, I can finally live with (key is not get rid of) all of my inner demons. A healthier mind= healthier self= healthier relationship!
If you’ve read this far, thank you! These are the types of thoughts that go through my mind as I work on my art. It truly is a meditative process and I’m hoping to share everything about my process of self discovery such as going through a huge identity crisis after becoming a mom, business ups and downs (and there are many experiences to share both good and bad), and my love of constantly growing and learning!
Also, huge thank you to Eve at OnlineBalloonClasses for the opportunity for me to introduce this blog post during our heart-to-heart while working on our beautiful creative project! I can’t wait to share more heartfelt conversations to come.
